This ship is taking me far away.

Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

God. I feel so shut in, I could never be a housewife.
At least not one without friends.
Places I've gone to in the last month:
Zoo
Hastings
Mall
Hastings
Hastings
Hastings
Hastings
Hastings
Orthodontist.
I go to Hastings a lot.
I need to go out more often.

One of my orthodontists, whose name I can't remember, makes me feel awkward.
He's small and nice yet buff and he likes to rest his hand on my chin. I don't like it.

I hadn't gone to the zoo in a while. Since I was like 1 or 2.
Quite a while. I loved the giraffes. I was disappointed and paranoid. There was no lions but I felt like an animal was gonna break out and attack.

Tattos and piercings......
I wanna wait.
I don't want any piercings. They seem so juvenile to me. And If I ever get a tattoo, it would be something small and tasteful. I hope.

I can't wait until Jacey gets back from Kansas. I can only count the days.
It'll be the time of our lives.


My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to re-ignite life
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.

I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

When I said I just want you to feel happy, it brought a certain tear to my eye.
I had said feel, I never said be happy. I'm sorry. You deserve better.
And I know you're one of the few that believes in the nonsense that comes to my mind, the so called writing that is mainly a rant about how I feel. It saddens me to feel as if I've let myself become the selfish remains of what we were taught. I want you to be happy, for the rest of your life. I put your happiness before my own because if I don't have you, I have nothing. I know I don't tell you often cause it seems like I'm just a kid. I still feel like one, and then I wish I was one. The closer I get to leaving, the more I realize that it's us. It's just us. I take comfort in the fact. It doesn't get my down.

I had to get that off my chest, I could lie to anybody but not you. It wasn't technically a lie, but I'd know. I take it with a heavy heart.
Well I'd lie, but it'd be little and not important. We both know this. Hopefully.



I've been talking to friend who's moved to a new town. He's all alone. And it worries me to think that it'll be me soon but then I remember. I have you. This friend, he once was shy and then he met me. We grew apart and now we are at odd ends. I never really understood how my friendship with him worked and now I don't care to know. We called when something was needed or when one of us was bored. There was those random drunk phone calls made that puzzled the other radically but we both understood it was never to go far because we're young and we know we're not what we want. I didn't care when you told me you lost my number because I didn't care for this friend at all. And I know you didn't mind when I told you that I didn't want to talk to you anymore because you knew that wouldn't last long. Now when we talk it doesn't bring me down because even though we're not the best of friends and our friendship will never go far, I know you're there for when I'm bored, or drunk or just want to talk to you because no one else might understand you and they might judge you wrong but I know your facade and I don't care about what you've done. I know I've never loved you and god knows I never will but I'd be bummed if I never heard from you again or never got to say goodbye. This friend, he's one of these people that my other friends judge harshly because of appearances and stories that prove to be all wrong and even when they're right I know it's not that way. You've never meant much and I rarely called you my friend. But when you said that we were, I realized that for us, this is almost the end. I need to get it off my chest though you'll never read this. You mean a lot, at least more than I thought you would.

There are certain moments when I erase all the bad that's been done to me because of something amazingly simple yet beautiful. I was told an analogy, by someone that's never spoken to me like this before. 

Buffalos graze in a field during the summer where it is cool, and for winter they travel to warmer climates. They endure long journeys through mountains, rivers, colonies, valleys without ever questioning what they're expected to do, what would be good for them. They never stop along their travels and wonder what lies beyond those mountains, rivers, colonies or valleys. They never question how or wonder how different their lives could be if they were to wander to the other side. How everything could change radically. Imagine feeling like the buffalo that dares to wonder, the one that dares to question his way of life. The one little buffalo that wants to make his trip beyond that mountain, that river and valley. The buffalo that wants to better himself. He wants to not find himself lost in-between  grazings knowing he could've done better. 

I now understand better, and I know now that no matter what my dad does, from now on, I'll see him as the one buffalo that wants to break out of his mold. I love my dad and it saddens me that it took me seventeen years to realize he's only human.

It's things like these that remind me of when I was a child. I never threw TVs around and I never had the strength but I once threw a ten pound ball around in WalMart with my then best friend and for those twenty minutes while I laughed my ass away, I was happy. It's things like these that remind me how to be happy. It's those moments, that I'm thankful the tiny bitterness

has not taken away.

I haven't written in a while and I don't care. I'm always free and it's summer.

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest swing. 
I had a dream.