Oh well your future's a machine...

With the mechanics of a dream
It is your mind that spins the wheel
And your heart that makes you feel


The day is dragging by and the sharp pain near my temples resembling a headache tells me I should leave. That I need to leave.

I remember when we took aimless shopping trips, the ones where we wouldn't buy anything?
Apparently, you can't repeat your memories. Recreate, rebirth, whatever you want to call it, it can't happen. It won't happen.

When I realize there's only four of us left, it fills me with guilt to think that soon, I'll leave them to be three. The truth ends up being this: I believe that unconsciously, somewhere deep in my mind, I knew that I'd be the one to leave the earliest. Maybe it's that I've learned not to put up with arrogance and the ego that's taught to inflate at the worst times. I've learned from others' mistakes but not mine, sadly.

I'm not a horrible person, I'm not even bad. I don't even know what I'm doing and in some way, shape or form, I think that's kind of beautiful. I have never been sure of anything, and now that I am, I realize that my decisions lead me to more uncertainty but that I will follow through in hopes of being happy. I leave, because I know that if I stay, I will do away with any chance of getting out. I"m pulling out and that doesn't make me a bad person and I know that now. You have your life and you've left people behind, I'm not making the same mistakes, so you shouldn't be angry. I'm feeling weighed down by how you'll feel, and I know that the day will come when you'll have to know the truth and it'll be up to me to tell you what's on my mind. And that will probably be the only time I speak my mind to you because by then, I'll be gone. Not in body but more in soul. I'm still here, yes, but I've been gone a long time already. You've done nothing to keep me here.

I try to do what's best for myself. I'm being bound, it feels, to things, people and places that aren't meant for me.
I don't have children, I shouldn't be tied down to one.
I need a job, I should be able to get one.

Today's a day for confessions and I have none.
I do nothing......I get nothing.
If anything, all I get is a pocketful of candy and bobby pins plus the horrifying joys that come with watching The End of Days, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If I could have any car, what would it be?
I used to think that my dream car was a 1964 red Mustang.
Like this one:

It seemed bold, and extremely great. I thought it would fit me well.
Well lately, I've reevaluating my thoughts towards cars and I've always had a place in my heart set for a little hippie cliche. I've always wanted a green VW camper van.
Like this one: :D

Minus the kid....
It fits me like a puzzle piece. My personality is a lot bubblier feeling than i expected to find. I'd be extremely proud to be driving my green van. If only I could buy one....
It seems so impossible. If I am ever to be rich in any lifetime, though hopefully in this one, that is the first thing I will buy. And it has to be green.
I don't crave many things but I definitely want one of these.

And so, today concludes with movies I didn't want to watch, which is rare, and cars that I could stare at for days at a time.



Oh and the moon controls the movements of the tide.
Oh but it has no weight on the movements of my mind.