This ship is taking me far away.

Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

God. I feel so shut in, I could never be a housewife.
At least not one without friends.
Places I've gone to in the last month:
Zoo
Hastings
Mall
Hastings
Hastings
Hastings
Hastings
Hastings
Orthodontist.
I go to Hastings a lot.
I need to go out more often.

One of my orthodontists, whose name I can't remember, makes me feel awkward.
He's small and nice yet buff and he likes to rest his hand on my chin. I don't like it.

I hadn't gone to the zoo in a while. Since I was like 1 or 2.
Quite a while. I loved the giraffes. I was disappointed and paranoid. There was no lions but I felt like an animal was gonna break out and attack.

Tattos and piercings......
I wanna wait.
I don't want any piercings. They seem so juvenile to me. And If I ever get a tattoo, it would be something small and tasteful. I hope.

I can't wait until Jacey gets back from Kansas. I can only count the days.
It'll be the time of our lives.


My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to re-ignite life
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.

I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

When I said I just want you to feel happy, it brought a certain tear to my eye.
I had said feel, I never said be happy. I'm sorry. You deserve better.
And I know you're one of the few that believes in the nonsense that comes to my mind, the so called writing that is mainly a rant about how I feel. It saddens me to feel as if I've let myself become the selfish remains of what we were taught. I want you to be happy, for the rest of your life. I put your happiness before my own because if I don't have you, I have nothing. I know I don't tell you often cause it seems like I'm just a kid. I still feel like one, and then I wish I was one. The closer I get to leaving, the more I realize that it's us. It's just us. I take comfort in the fact. It doesn't get my down.

I had to get that off my chest, I could lie to anybody but not you. It wasn't technically a lie, but I'd know. I take it with a heavy heart.
Well I'd lie, but it'd be little and not important. We both know this. Hopefully.



I've been talking to friend who's moved to a new town. He's all alone. And it worries me to think that it'll be me soon but then I remember. I have you. This friend, he once was shy and then he met me. We grew apart and now we are at odd ends. I never really understood how my friendship with him worked and now I don't care to know. We called when something was needed or when one of us was bored. There was those random drunk phone calls made that puzzled the other radically but we both understood it was never to go far because we're young and we know we're not what we want. I didn't care when you told me you lost my number because I didn't care for this friend at all. And I know you didn't mind when I told you that I didn't want to talk to you anymore because you knew that wouldn't last long. Now when we talk it doesn't bring me down because even though we're not the best of friends and our friendship will never go far, I know you're there for when I'm bored, or drunk or just want to talk to you because no one else might understand you and they might judge you wrong but I know your facade and I don't care about what you've done. I know I've never loved you and god knows I never will but I'd be bummed if I never heard from you again or never got to say goodbye. This friend, he's one of these people that my other friends judge harshly because of appearances and stories that prove to be all wrong and even when they're right I know it's not that way. You've never meant much and I rarely called you my friend. But when you said that we were, I realized that for us, this is almost the end. I need to get it off my chest though you'll never read this. You mean a lot, at least more than I thought you would.

There are certain moments when I erase all the bad that's been done to me because of something amazingly simple yet beautiful. I was told an analogy, by someone that's never spoken to me like this before. 

Buffalos graze in a field during the summer where it is cool, and for winter they travel to warmer climates. They endure long journeys through mountains, rivers, colonies, valleys without ever questioning what they're expected to do, what would be good for them. They never stop along their travels and wonder what lies beyond those mountains, rivers, colonies or valleys. They never question how or wonder how different their lives could be if they were to wander to the other side. How everything could change radically. Imagine feeling like the buffalo that dares to wonder, the one that dares to question his way of life. The one little buffalo that wants to make his trip beyond that mountain, that river and valley. The buffalo that wants to better himself. He wants to not find himself lost in-between  grazings knowing he could've done better. 

I now understand better, and I know now that no matter what my dad does, from now on, I'll see him as the one buffalo that wants to break out of his mold. I love my dad and it saddens me that it took me seventeen years to realize he's only human.

It's things like these that remind me of when I was a child. I never threw TVs around and I never had the strength but I once threw a ten pound ball around in WalMart with my then best friend and for those twenty minutes while I laughed my ass away, I was happy. It's things like these that remind me how to be happy. It's those moments, that I'm thankful the tiny bitterness

has not taken away.

I haven't written in a while and I don't care. I'm always free and it's summer.

I had a dream 
That I could fly from the highest swing. 
I had a dream.

Oh well your future's a machine...

With the mechanics of a dream
It is your mind that spins the wheel
And your heart that makes you feel


The day is dragging by and the sharp pain near my temples resembling a headache tells me I should leave. That I need to leave.

I remember when we took aimless shopping trips, the ones where we wouldn't buy anything?
Apparently, you can't repeat your memories. Recreate, rebirth, whatever you want to call it, it can't happen. It won't happen.

When I realize there's only four of us left, it fills me with guilt to think that soon, I'll leave them to be three. The truth ends up being this: I believe that unconsciously, somewhere deep in my mind, I knew that I'd be the one to leave the earliest. Maybe it's that I've learned not to put up with arrogance and the ego that's taught to inflate at the worst times. I've learned from others' mistakes but not mine, sadly.

I'm not a horrible person, I'm not even bad. I don't even know what I'm doing and in some way, shape or form, I think that's kind of beautiful. I have never been sure of anything, and now that I am, I realize that my decisions lead me to more uncertainty but that I will follow through in hopes of being happy. I leave, because I know that if I stay, I will do away with any chance of getting out. I"m pulling out and that doesn't make me a bad person and I know that now. You have your life and you've left people behind, I'm not making the same mistakes, so you shouldn't be angry. I'm feeling weighed down by how you'll feel, and I know that the day will come when you'll have to know the truth and it'll be up to me to tell you what's on my mind. And that will probably be the only time I speak my mind to you because by then, I'll be gone. Not in body but more in soul. I'm still here, yes, but I've been gone a long time already. You've done nothing to keep me here.

I try to do what's best for myself. I'm being bound, it feels, to things, people and places that aren't meant for me.
I don't have children, I shouldn't be tied down to one.
I need a job, I should be able to get one.

Today's a day for confessions and I have none.
I do nothing......I get nothing.
If anything, all I get is a pocketful of candy and bobby pins plus the horrifying joys that come with watching The End of Days, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If I could have any car, what would it be?
I used to think that my dream car was a 1964 red Mustang.
Like this one:

It seemed bold, and extremely great. I thought it would fit me well.
Well lately, I've reevaluating my thoughts towards cars and I've always had a place in my heart set for a little hippie cliche. I've always wanted a green VW camper van.
Like this one: :D

Minus the kid....
It fits me like a puzzle piece. My personality is a lot bubblier feeling than i expected to find. I'd be extremely proud to be driving my green van. If only I could buy one....
It seems so impossible. If I am ever to be rich in any lifetime, though hopefully in this one, that is the first thing I will buy. And it has to be green.
I don't crave many things but I definitely want one of these.

And so, today concludes with movies I didn't want to watch, which is rare, and cars that I could stare at for days at a time.



Oh and the moon controls the movements of the tide.
Oh but it has no weight on the movements of my mind.

When I look to the shape of the sky...

I give thanks for this hollow chest of mine.
That I no longer feel, the weight of ordeals.
That can make this life so unkind.

When you tell me that you've read the reviews for Matthew McConaughey's new movie Ghost of Girlfriends Past, I can't help but think "Uhhhh. No one cares. Go have a midlife crisis."
I'm not a horrible child, but when you've put up with everything that everyone in my family has had to put up with from my father, it seems a reasonable thought.
Dear papa,
Maybe you haven't gotten the memo. Or possibly you just refuse to believe that it's okay to get old and that you shouldn't hate the masses cause they're not as smart as you. When you randomly snap, you make no sense. And it just kind of makes everyone wish that they knew you just as everyone OUTSIDE of our family does. When I don't laugh at your jokes, it doesn't mean I hate you, it just means that the good doesn't outweigh your bad.
Right around now, I really hope you don't know shit about my blog.
If you read this. It's time to wake up. I'm ready to leave and when I do, I know you'll be happy.

I took the last of my exit level tests today, I passed all of them, I hope.
Lately, I've been a hate-monger [two word hyphenate? :S]. I've just been in hate with everyone around me. Now, I'm not the cheeriest of the bunch but these past few months, I was rarely unhappy. Whether it be the people at lunch, in the classroom, at church, or even the ones I rarely see, I can barely fight the feeling of hatred that rises in my chest. It could be that I'm tired of feeding other people's energy and needs by wanting to please others or could be that it's easier to be rude than it is to try to do anything but. Maybe I'm just getting old, maybe I just have my daddy's eyes.

On other news, fighting is trashy!
I was never taught proper etiquette when it comes to fighting but this is pretty much it for me:
Fighting is trashy!
Never start a fight but always end it.
If someone came up to me, trying to start a fight, I would NOT hit or even touch the other person. But if the other person was to even come close to hitting me, I WILL break an arm.
Everyone thinks I'm like a happy elf, but I used to be bitter and I learned how to fight then.
And with that, I say, some douche bags are trying to start fights with my friends and some with me. Who does that these days? I DON'T fight but I will do it if needed. Leave us alone assholes, don't underestimate. We are fierce, kind of like Beyonce, except I'm sure my friends are not bootylicious.

I don't care what you say, high school is frustrating.
I'm happy to be getting out next year.

On the flip side, I missed Dr. Seuss' birthday but I'm pretty much obsessed with his books, which inspire me past a point of perception.
One of my favorites is What Was I Scared Of?
The story is of the narrator being scared of a pair of pale green pants with nobody inside and their several spooky encounters. In conclusion, it's great, it's short, it's Dr. Seuss.


For your heart is like a forest, it grows,
and its the rain, but just the sun that lets it bloom,
and you don't know how it feels to be alive,
until you know how it feels to die.

We'll shake up this town

And shoot down the stars for our enjoyment.

Oh baby, I got new pants.

It's come to my attention that I am in need of a slight makeover, in fact, I always have been. Ha! I bought new pants, and a few shirts not to mention a jacket, but more importantly, SHOES! I've bought a pair heels that I fell in love with. My weekends aren't crazy.
While I was at Hastings, I decided to do a rough run through of the movies I want to buy. A rough run through. When I tallied up the movies, including any sequels, it was eighty-five movies in all.
I don't even have a job. I just thought it'd be less, I need to save up, or get a job. Also, I went to watch the Hannah Montana Movie with my mother and Cassandra, and to my surprise, it was pretty good. Which reminds me of how Casandra asked me on Friday where God lived. All I could think to say was "How do you know who God is?" Seeing as how she's never been to church and I'm 90% sure that she doesn't know what a bible is. I ended up walking away which in the end was the smartest thing I could think to do. Eh. She's only eight.
Oh baby, we're only fools.
We need friends that know what we mean when we scream.
But baby, we're only fools.

Don't cry for me, Argentina.

The truth is I never left you.

When I grow up, I want to be just like you. If people were countries, we'd just advance in technologies and in knowledge in trades. Or something of the sort. If people were fonts, you'd just make the font size bigger and bolder. And if people if were Bob Ross' afro, we just wouldn't cut or comb ourselves. But we're human and I'd like to thing that if we grow up, we've grown up because of the little things that help us learn and let us grow as people. Maybe it's the fact that you don't feel you have to finish your bag of chips in one sitting, and that you know that even if you put them away, they'll be waiting for you there later. {hopefully} Maybe it's when you have to take naps during the daytime because you're so tired from doing so much in the mornings. I believe it's when you engage in selfless acts without being selfish. When you give unto others, without expecting compensation. Like a gift with no return. Anyone can grow up, children can grow up even while still being children, though it's rare. I'm no grown up, but I'm precocious. When I grow up, I don't know when it will be or what I will be but the truth is I probably will still be the same person, with most of the same beliefs which means I'll probably feel confused the rest of my life. I'm not a grown up. In fact, I still write on my face and steal your candy.
It would be great to know what your future could be like, but it's not so one-sided.
New Slang. Gold teeth and the curse of this town are both in my mouth. And the truth is, aren't we all happier when we have no mindsets. When we believe our lives are simpler by simply ignoring our duties. Until we break like a boat's hull under the realization that we've never done anything worth telling stories about. And the truth is, it's easier to pretend you'll never grow up, and it's easier to bleed on your own needs and treat your friends like your enemies. or to be rid of your friends. I'd like to sit down and James Lipton everyone I know. Maybe their heart is in the right place, maybe they mean well. Maybe I'm just putting it off, maybe everyone is just vindictive and malicious deep inside and deep inside, I know that's the truth. We're all evil but nobody has the right to be.